I left my job three weeks ago. I am a cashier again. I am
very out of shape and being on my feet so much is excruciating. I have taken
too much Tylenol over the past couple of weeks and am in a constant state of
near-yakking. I’ve run into several comedians at my new job and I thought it
would be humiliating, being normal and unimportant again, but it’s nice. I am
no longer under the delusion that I can do anything for them, and neither are
they. I’m looking for a new job, without the guilt this time.
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Chapter 38
October 2016-October 2017
I got a better handle on the mechanics of booking but was still drowning in a sea of other peoples’ hopes and dreams. There was SO much good about my job but so much of it bothered me; the exploitation and the the disposability of comedians was the worst. Why was something basic, like paying comedians, so obviously the right thing to do but the suggestion of it was met with blank stares? Was I crazy? Was I going to stick around and try to make the business better, or get out and save what was left of my soul?
I got a better handle on the mechanics of booking but was still drowning in a sea of other peoples’ hopes and dreams. There was SO much good about my job but so much of it bothered me; the exploitation and the the disposability of comedians was the worst. Why was something basic, like paying comedians, so obviously the right thing to do but the suggestion of it was met with blank stares? Was I crazy? Was I going to stick around and try to make the business better, or get out and save what was left of my soul?
Chapter 37
October 2015-October 2016
The business got heavier and heavier. I tried to settle in under the weight but found it crushing me. I tried to keep up with the demands from comedians and the club. I tried to live up to the person I wanted to be. I tried halfheartedly to find another job, feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I finally had a home, a family, and I still couldn’t find a way to be happy. I wondered if I was broken. I made adjustments to my attitude, to my expectations. People praised me for doing a job I was ashamed of.
The business got heavier and heavier. I tried to settle in under the weight but found it crushing me. I tried to keep up with the demands from comedians and the club. I tried to live up to the person I wanted to be. I tried halfheartedly to find another job, feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I finally had a home, a family, and I still couldn’t find a way to be happy. I wondered if I was broken. I made adjustments to my attitude, to my expectations. People praised me for doing a job I was ashamed of.
Chapter 36
October 2014-October 2015
A friend killed himself. I had known that he was struggling.
I had made a mental note to reach out to him. And then I let myself get
distracted. I barely knew what to do with my own sadness, let alone his. Comedy
was healing me; I’d assumed it was saving him too. I was still consumed by
guilt. I knew that depression ran rampant in the comedy community – that was one
reason I felt like I belonged. But I couldn’t lose anyone like that again. I
considered quitting, everything. Instead of figuring out what to do, I kept
going.
Chapter 35
October 2013-October 2014
I fell in love. I saw myself in him. He did not see himself
in me. I interned at the club, running shows in the smaller room. I started
producing a monthly comedy show. I tried stand-up. I determined to never do it
again. I made friends, real ones. People that I liked, people who liked me. I
tried stand-up again. I started working at the club, for money. I started
hosting an open mic there. I was promoted to Booking Assistant. I lost my
virginity. I started hosting shows. I got a raise. I started to find my voice.
Chapter 34
October 2012-October 2013
I graduated with an AA in English from the local community college. I had saved some financial aid money, so I quit my job. I tried to be a novelist. My grandmother had a stroke, so I visited her in the hospital and then in her convalescent home. I kept passing by a comedy club, on the bus. One day, I went in. It was the first night I didn’t cry since my mom died. I woke up the next morning. I wanted to go back to the club. It was the first thing I’d wanted since my mom died.
I graduated with an AA in English from the local community college. I had saved some financial aid money, so I quit my job. I tried to be a novelist. My grandmother had a stroke, so I visited her in the hospital and then in her convalescent home. I kept passing by a comedy club, on the bus. One day, I went in. It was the first night I didn’t cry since my mom died. I woke up the next morning. I wanted to go back to the club. It was the first thing I’d wanted since my mom died.
Chapter 33
October 2011-October 2012
I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I won a scholarship. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom.I won Cashier of the Year. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom.
I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I won a scholarship. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom.I won Cashier of the Year. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom. I missed my dead mom.
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