Love is all fun and games -- until the poison kicks in.
LIAM: A regular customer, slightly older than Meda. A retired con artist who appreciates Meda’s flair for selling obvious lies. Has been in love with her for a couple of years.
TAMMY: The diner’s manager; practical and dry-witted, a few years older than Meda. Harbors a crush on Liam but knows he’s clearly smitten with Meda.
CONNIE: Meda’s younger sister and fellow waitress, five years her junior; too sweet to call Meda out on her lies, too smart to believe them.
FRANK: The diner’s cook; a man of few words who takes quiet pride in his work.
FATHER FOSTER (appears in one scene): Meda’s childhood priest, and perhaps the only person alive who never questions her whoppers.
STEVE, BILL, and JOE: Regular diner customers; blue-collar jokesters, friendly but with poor boundaries.
CLARE: A regular diner customer, single mother, and school nurse.
JULIE: Clare’s six-to-eight-year-old daughter; carefree, curious, and already a professional artist.
VARIOUS OTHER DINER CUSTOMERS
LIAM sits at the counter, back to the audience. He wears a suit and tie. He is the only customer in the diner. CONNIE enters from kitchen door. Before she reaches him, LIAM looks around.
CONNIE and TAMMY sit together at a booth, backs to the couple, facing the audience.
CONNIE kicks TAMMY under the table. TAMMY glares, unscrews the salt shaker cap, pours a little into her palm, and tosses a pinch onto the floor. CONNIE snatches the shaker, pours some in her hand, tosses it over her shoulder, replaces the cap, and then hides the shaker. TAMMY grabs the pepper. They wrestle with the pepper shaker. This bit of business is happening as MEDA and LIAM are speaking.
CONNIE and TAMMY stop fighting over the pepper shaker, and turn around to watch MEDA and LIAM. LIAM's back is turned, so he doesn't see them. MEDA ignores the women.
CONNIE and TAMMY kneel on the booth, spying over the back. LIAM catches them.
Crashing sounds as FRANK enters. CONNIE collects flowers and cues the jukebox. “Going to the Chapel” begins as MEDA enters SR in a white dress and hat, with FATHER FOSTER.
TAMMY snorts. CONNIE hands MEDA flowers.
Everyone arranges themselves in general wedding format. FATHER FOSTER clears his throat.
MEDA's nod reassures him. He nods and straightens as LIAM and MEDA face each other, hands clasped.
They kiss. MEDA tosses her bouquet—flowers scatter. Everyone chases after the couple as they exit SR, shouting well wishes. “Everybody’s Somebody’s Fool” plays. TAMMY gathers the flowers, replaces them in vases, then exits quietly through kitchen. Lights dim.
SCENE 2
(STEVE and BILL enter SR, seat themselves SC at the counter. They wear jeans and flannel shirts. Lights brighten. CONNIE enters from the kitchen to take their orders and pour coffee. MEDA enters SR in uniform, glowing.)
MEDA
Hello! I’m back!
CONNIE
(Leaves orders at the window, rings bell.)
Meda! Welcome back! How was the honeymoon?
(Crosses to MEDA; they hug.)
FRANK
(From kitchen window.) Welcome back, Meda. (Checks orders, disappears.)
MEDA
(Upbeat.) Hi, Frank! (To CONNIE.) It was wonderful — we went to Sheboygan!
CONNIE
Mom and Dad want to know why they weren’t invited to the wedding.
MEDA
Did you tell them it was really spur-of-the-moment?
CONNIE
(Reproving.) You know I’m not a good liar. I told them you’d explain everything when you got back.
STEVE
(Snickers to Bill.) Sheboygan? Even I don’t wanna go there. What’s in Sheboygan?
MEDA
(Amused.) Fish. Lots of fish.
CONNIE
Sounds great. I want to hear all about it, but Frank’s teaching me pie crust, so later — oh, and Mom says call her. (Exits to kitchen.)
BILL
(Grinning, teasing.) So Meda, you finally tricked that poor Liam fella into marrying you, eh?
MEDA
(Frowns.) I didn’t trick him. He loves me. He says so all the time.
STEVE
(Teasing.) Sure — and you told him you were dying, right? All my wife had to do was tell me she was pregnant! (Uproarious laughter from him and BILL.)
MEDA
(Half amused, half annnoyed, rolls her eyes. Waits for laughter to fade, then sweetly.) Too bad she forgot to mention whose baby she was pregnant with.
(A beat of stunned silence, then both guys burst out laughing. FRANK rings the bell; MEDA smiles and moves behind the counter, delivers plates, tops off coffee. She moves to UC table and pulls out a small bag of berries, hesitates, pops one in her mouth. TAMMY enters from the kitchen.)
TAMMY
What’s that?
MEDA
(Startled.) Um— (hides the bag behind her back, then gives up and slips the bag into her apron pocket) —just, uh, some medicinal berries my doctor prescribed. Part of a homeopathic treatment.
TAMMY
(Skeptical.) Right. Because you’re dying.
MEDA
(Uncomfortable.) Uh-huh.
TAMMY
What’s so special about them?
MEDA
They have… intense healing properties.
TAMMY
Mmm-hmm. (Abruptly.) Can I have one of your prescription berries?
MEDA
(Shoves bag into apron pocket.) No.
(JULIE and CLARE enter SR and slide into a booth, waving at the women. JULIE clutches a paper covered in blue scribbles. MEDA grabs the coffee pot and crosses over.)
JULIE
I’d like some hard liquor, please.
MEDA
You got it! (pretends to write) Apple juice.
(She pours coffee for CLARE. TAMMY eyes her, arms crossed.)
TAMMY
(When Meda returns to counter.) Why can’t I have one?
MEDA
(Edges toward the kitchen door, rambling) They’re really rare and expensive, my insurance doesn’t cover— I just need to— (dashes into kitchen.)
(Through the window, MEDA crosses right to left, TAMMY right behind her. Then back the other way. A clatter.)
MEDA
(Offstage, breathless.) I’m sorry!
(Re-enters with a small glass of juice, no coffee pot.)
I didn’t know I’d be feeling so poorly today.
TAMMY
(Enters, exasperated, carrying coffee pot.) Because you’re dying.
MEDA
Right. (Hands juice to TAMMY, unties apron.) I should go home. See you tomorrow! (Flees out SR.)
TAMMY
(Looks after Mira. Shakes her head.) Huh. (Drops the juice off at the booth.)
JULIE
Where’d Meda go? I made her a new art.
TAMMY
She wasn’t feeling well. Let me see. Beautiful...horse?
JULIE
Yes.
TAMMY
Why’s it blue?
JULIE
Because it’s cold.
(TAMMY smiles, hands it back. CLARE rises, offers money, but TAMMY waves her off.)
TAMMY
On the house. Oh, and uh, Meda said dinner’s on her next time you’re in.
CLARE
Oh, no, we—
TAMMY
She insisted. So grilled cheese for the kid—
JULIE
(Interrupting.) Chicken nuggets!
TAMMY
Nuggs for the kid and for Mom...?
CLARE
(Laughs.) Soup of the day.
TAMMY
Burger and soup for the mom. And some pie to take home. Got it! (Flounces back to the kitchen before CLARE can protest. Lights dim.)
END SCENE
SCENE 3
(Jukebox plays “True” by Tony Hadley. Customers wander in SR two and three at a time until the diner is full. CONNIE, MEDA, and TAMMY enter from the kitchen at different times. CONNIE covers the counter; MEDA has the booth and tables; TAMMY rings up at the register. MEDA carries the coffee pot — it’s nearly empty. CLAIRE and JULIE have left by the time the lights brighten.)
MEDA
(Calls to CONNIE.) I’m going to need more Joe!
JOE
I’m right here!
MEDA
(Good-naturedly.) Shut up, Joe!
JOE
What would Liam say if you talked to him like that?
MEDA
(Saucily.) I do.
(Spots CLARE and JULIE entering.)
Why, I do de-CLARE — the jewels of the diner have returned!
JULIE
(Giggles.) Hi, Meda!
MEDA
(Takes JULIE’S hands, dancing with her.) Hey, Babycakes!
CLARE
(Amused.) Hi, Meda.
MEDA
(Twirls JULIE; to CLARE.) Hiya, Mamacakes!
TAMMY
Steve, Bill, Joe — time’s up. Pay and scram.
STEVE
Since when do diners come with bouncers?
TAMMY
Since the bouncer started getting tips.
(The guys laugh, pay, and exit. CONNIE wipes the counter. MEDA helps JULIE onto a stool; CLARE sits beside her.)
CONNIE
(Apologetic.) Sorry, Clare. All we have is decaf. Hi, Julie.
TAMMY
That’s all we serve now. Cuts down on the crimes of passion.
(MEDA sets the coffee pot down and forgets it; CONNIE quietly retrieves it and puts it away.)
MEDA
(Takes a seat next to JULIE, tired; grinning at her, 1920s gangster voice.)
Hey, kid. Ya got the goods?
JULIE
(Nods solemnly; CLARE hands her a folder. She shows MEDA a wrinkled drawing.)
MEDA
(Studying.) Awesome… hippopotamus?
JULIE
Yes.
MEDA
Why’s it blue?
JULIE
Because it’s sad.
MEDA
I love it. How much?
JULIE
(Whispers to CLARE.) How much does Meda owe me, Mom?
CLARE
(Playing along, mimes calculator.) A million-gazillion-vermillion-crimson-salmon dollars.
MEDA
(Slides a bill over.) Here’s a down payment.
JULIE
(Pockets bill.) Thank you for your business.
(TAMMY passes carrying dishes.)
TAMMY
If you’re not busy, wash dishes or convince Frank to make more Lima Bean Ice Cream.
JULIE
Yuck!
MEDA
It’s lime and vanilla bean. I named it “Lima Bean” on the menu so no one else would eat it.
JULIE
(Impressed.) Smart.
MEDA
(Smug.) Thank you.
(She yields her stool to a customer, wipes a table, and sinks into a seat. The bustle quiets. Door chime.)
TAMMY
Not that smart. It doesn’t sell, so no one buys it, so Frank won’t make it.
(Leaves counter, crosses to MEDA.)
Hey, you okay?
MEDA
Yeah, I just need a minute.
(Waves goodbye to CLARE and JULIE.)
TAMMY
Why don’t you go take your break? Go get something to eat.
(The diner has emptied out. TAMMY buses the booths and CONNIE the counter. MEDA gets up and slowly buses the table she was sitting at. Final jukebox selection fades out.)
TAMMY
You’ve been so tired lately. (Gasps.) You’re not pregnant, are you?
MEDA
No.
CONNIE
That would explain the tiredness…
MEDA
(Silent for a moment.) Did you guys forget that I’m dying?
(Awkward pause. The diner hum seems too loud.)
CONNIE
(Shoots a glare at TAMMY as TAMMY laughs. Carefully, to MEDA.)
So—you’re really sick, then?
MEDA
(Irritated.) Of course I’m sick! You think I’d lie about something like that?
CONNIE
Umm…
TAMMY
Yes.
MEDA
(Outraged.) I can’t believe you guys! This isn’t like a fake Gucci purse—or like how I used to tell Liam about my pretend boyfriend because I was annoyed whenever he had a girlfriend.
TAMMY
(Laughs, sighs.) Pssh. You’re skipping over the interesting ones. How about when you said your name was Amelia Earhart and you were the first woman to fly around the world?
MEDA
I was five!
CONNIE
Oh! No—my favorite is when Dad saw a bat in our attic, and you said it must have bitten you in your sleep. You missed school for a week because you swore you couldn’t go out in the daytime!
MEDA
I was eight! And there was a math test I wasn’t prepared for…
TAMMY
Three weeks ago you swore you saw Madonna at the Piggly Wiggly.
MEDA
That was San Fran D’Cisco, and she was dressed up like Madonna for a show.
TAMMY
Francisco stopped doing drag a year ago.
MEDA
Well, he’d dyed his hair blonde and was a dead ringer.
TAMMY
Meda, you set yourself up with a priest and the Jukebox Queen over here—
(Indicates CONNIE, who puffs herself up and grins.)
Before you even proposed to Liam. You’d never seen him outside the diner before you got married. What were you planning to say when he asked why you were so insistent on marrying him?
MEDA
(Dignified.) I didn’t think he’d ask. I just thought he’d say yes.
TAMMY
(Laughs, rolls eyes.) Of course you did. And when he questioned you, you lied about dying.
MEDA
(Sputters.) That is so—I don’t even— (To CONNIE.) Connie?
(After CONNIE looks away, calls to kitchen.)
Frank!
FRANK
(Appears in window.) I liked when you showed up dressed like a fairy princess and blessed everyone. You cured me of my inability to make the perfect crust. Now my pies really are diabolically delicious.
(Disappears.)
MEDA
It was Halloween—and I was drunk!
TAMMY
(Amused but placating.) Come on, Meda. Everyone knows how you are. It’s not like we’re angry. Frank’s pies do taste better—we’ve sold three times as many this year as last… Why don’t you just fess up and forget this whole “being sick” thing—
MEDA
(Outraged.) Oh, I’m sick, all right! I’m sick of being called a liar, of having everyone doubt everything I say.
(Furious, rising.) I’ll show you. I’ll teach you to believe me when I say I’m dying!
(Stormy exit SR; stumbles against the counter on her way out.)
END SCENE
SCENE 4
(Lights brighten. Diner is empty, but tables and counter need to be bussed.) MEDA enters SR, unsteadily. Her skin is greenish. She sits down on a stool, with difficulty. She pulls the bag of berries out of her apron pocket. She gags. TAMMY enters through kitchen.)
TAMMY
You’re late again. How you convince your husband that you’re always on time is beyond me. What is wrong with you? (Said with no sympathy.) You look terrible.
MEDA
I’m not feeling well.
TAMMY
(Softened.) Okay, fine. You really don’t look well. Just go home.
MEDA
(Gags again.) Okay. (Uses counter to steady herself as she climbs off of the stool. Forgets bag of berries on counter) Thanks. (Sees LIAM enter, moves to bus a table.)
LIAM
(Spots MEDA, crosses to table UC.) Hi.
MEDA
(Coolly.) Hi.
TAMMY
(Raises eyebrows at tension.) I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. (Exits to kitchen.)
LIAM
(Sits, pulls MEDA’s down gently to sit with him.) I don’t want to leave town with us mad at each other. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m just worried.
MEDA
(Stiff at first, but softens at his words.) I’m fine. Really. I’m even going jogging tomorrow. (Sees his look.) What? I can jog! (Beat.) I see my doctor every week.
LIAM
I wish you’d let me talk to him. He could answer my questions.
MEDA
I can answer your questions.
LIAM
(Kind, but careful.) Sometimes your answers are a little…creative.
MEDA
(Pulls hand away, bristling.) Here we go. You think I'm lying!
LIAM
(Still calm.) Meda—
MEDA
And don’t do that voice. The patient voice. It makes me feel like I’m five.
LIAM
Fine. Straight talk, then. You’re the most creative person I know — so when you asked me to marry you and said you were dying, I figured, okay, maybe this was your way of skipping over the whole awkward dating thing. And honestly? I was impressed. Bold move.
(Beat.)
But now you’re pale, you’re dizzy, your words slur even when you haven’t had a drink, and every time I turn on a light, you flinch like it’s trying to kill you.
(Softer, genuinely worried.)
I don’t know what’s real anymore, Meda. I just know I’m scared.
MEDA
Quiet a beat, softens.)
I can’t die, Liam. I have too much to live for.
(Tries for a smile, teasing.)
Wait, you knew that I was lying about dying?
LIAM
Yes. Wait, you were lying? Why have you been so sick?
MEDA
Um. I felt bad about tricking you into marrying me, so I've been eating these berries to make me sick so I would almost die but then recover. Then our marriage wouldn't be built on a lie.
LIAM
(Laughs. Hugs her.) Oh, my gosh. I love you so much, you mystery novel of a human being.
MEDA
(Laughs weakly, leans into the hugs, blushing.) I guess I can stop taking the berries.
LIAM
For the love of God, yes! I want to be married to you until I die, not you! Will you let me take you home, so that you can rest? If you're not feeling better by morning, I'm taking you to the doctor.
MEDA
Okay.
(MEDA and LIAM exit SR.)
TAMMY
(Enters from kitchen. Starts to bus the counter, spots berries. Holds them up triumphantly.) Connie!
CONNIE
(Enters from kitchen.) What?
TAMMY
(Hands CONNIE the berries.) Look! Meda left these behind. You want to make a pie with them?
CONNIE
(Eyes the bag.) There can’t be more than a cup of berries in there. There’s no way I could make a whole pie with those.
TAMMY
(Disappointed.) Oh.
CONNIE
Besides, these are Meda’s berries. If she doesn’t want to share, she doesn’t have to. Grow up. I'm going to make some juice with them and take it to her in the morning. (Exits to kitchen.)
(TAMMY scowls, exits to kitchen. Jukebox plays “Poison Ivy” by The Coasters. Lights dim.)
END SCENE
SCENE 5
(Lights brighten. LIAM enters SR. CONNIE sees him through the window, enters from kitchen with a giant thermos.)
CONNIE
Hey Liam.
LIAM
Hi Connie.
CONNIE
How's Meda doing?
LIAM
A lot better. (Wryly.) We’re expecting her to make a full recovery. She said she was going to drink your juice and go for a run. (Checks his watch.) She should be here soon. I can't believe she used to work the morning shift. I can never get her out of bed until noon.
CONNIE
(Laughs.) She was covering for me. I switched to evenings after that semester. Meda was always late until you started showing up.
LIAM
(Laughs, shakes his head.) I should have guessed. I’m surprised she liked me so much, though. I was kind of a jerk back then.
CONNIE
Mmm…Actually, what did it was her hearing you muttering some statistic about how much small businesses suffer when the employees come in late. Yeah, she hated you for a while.
LIAM
(Laughs.) Being a jerk worked out well for me. Maybe I should switch back.
CONNIE
Don’t even think about it. TAMMY overheard it too, as well as your comment about how incompetent restaurant managers deserve to have their businesses run into the ground. She didn’t wait on you for over a year.
LIAM
Oh. (Looks upset for a moment, then laughs.) That explains a lot. She never did seem to like me. Maybe I should apologize.
CONNIE
She’s already forgotten. (Grins.) You want something to eat?
LIAM
Yeah. Burger and fries. I want to hang out and make sure Meda's okay.
CONNIE
Got it, I'll put your order in. (Exits to kitchen.)
(Lights dim. “Everybody’s Somebody’s Fool” by Connie Francis plays on the jukebox.)
END SCENE
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